The Identity Crisis of Parenthood

If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore since becoming a parent, I want you to know you are not alone. The good news is this identity crisis is not permanent. You’re just evolving.‎

The following is an edited transcript of this podcast episode.

All right, so today I want to share with you something that shocked me so much when I was first a new parent. I had done a lot of personal work before I ever even became a parent. I would say even from a very young age, I was very aware of feelings, mental health, and relationships. It took me a long time to understand everything, of course, as it does. That’s what we’re here for, to learn. And I’m still learning!

The Person I Was Before Becoming a Parent

But one of the things that I found so shocking was that I felt like a really together person by the time I got married. I got married in my mid-thirties, and I had a full life at that time with someone I was newly in love with, in a relationship that felt like it really had the legs for the long haul.

I had good friends, I was taking care of myself, I felt happy in my body, in my soul, mentally clear. I knew what I wanted out of life, I knew who I wanted to be, and I felt like I was more or less being that person. And, when we had kids, I really wanted children. My kids were very much asked for and wanted in this world. I felt ready.

The Identity Crisis of Parenthood

I’ve already shared with you, at the beginning of this podcast series, about my oldest son’s heart condition. So even in my very first pregnancy, it was like parenthood just went, “Oh no, there’s a whole other level of life here!” I suddenly felt so ill-equipped. It was like I had been playing about in this shallow marina, thinking, “I know how to sail boats, and I’m really great at this!” But suddenly, someone had stuck me in the deep, deep sea. I was like, “Wait a minute, I’m drowning. How’s this possible?”

It was like an identity break. I couldn’t understand why I was flailing so much. Over the years, I had come to understand that I did have it together—but only for the amount of pressure I had before. In that life, where I could still wake up, take care of myself, work out, and plan my day, I was okay. But the moment my life revolved around other people’s needs constantly, I felt like I couldn’t ever put my needs first.

When You’re Surviving, Not Thriving

These needs weren’t just the basics, like feeding and clothing them. They were intense. And it put me into panic mode, into what felt like an emergency for so many years. I stopped thriving and started just surviving. I didn’t have the skill set for the challenges I was facing. I wasn’t in that shallow marina anymore—I was in the deep ocean, and my job was to see my people to shore. But I didn’t have the tools, support, or mindset to succeed.

Learning to Ask For Help

What I did have was drive and determination. I was absolutely committed to getting my people to shore. Nothing felt more important to me, both for myself, my husband, and my kids. So, I learned. I learned how to swim. I learned how to ask for help. I learned which help was actually helpful and which help just added more weight. And then, once I finally made it to shore, I realized that I was okay.

I lay there on that warm sand, knowing how to swim through the deep abysses. And then it occurred to me—there were still people in the abyss. I wasn’t the only one. There were others going through this, and my story wasn’t unique. It was an age-old story that we don’t really talk about. So I found myself going back into the water to help others make it to shore.

Don’t Worry: You Will Be “You” Again (But Better!)

That’s why I do what I do. I understand so deeply the identity crisis that can happen when you become a parent and suddenly find yourself—this incredibly capable person—feeling so unbelievably incapable, experiencing a complete identity break while doing the most important job of your life.

I get it. I really do. And I want you to know that yes, you are losing who you were to some degree, but you are gaining so much more. Once you get through this process, you will return to who you were, but with incredible new skills. You will be richer, deeper, and more capable.

What I’ve found is that empathy swells, kindness swells, and there’s just something about going through this process—becoming the person you need to be for your children, for yourself, and for your family—that opens your heart to so much more.

In the next episode, I’m going to tell you stories from other parents, so you’re not just hearing my story. Because I think every parent’s story holds a small part of our own roadmap.

I’m so glad you’re here. I really am.