Kid Avoiding Homework — Or Using AI to Write? Find out why!

If you ever find your kid having a hard time with their homework, and then copying off the web or using AI to get it done, it’s easy to get mad, punish, or lecture. Abigail explains how understanding WHY your kid is cheating in the first place is the best step toward real learning when homework is hard.

The following is an edited transcript of this podcast episode.

So this mom I work with has a daughter who doesn’t love reading and who has been having trouble with writing. And it’s just been a constant source of frustration! So she gets her a tutor, and now she’s doing brilliantly. Her essays are gorgeous. And mom’s like, “Wow, I guess that tutor’s really working!”

But, Uh-oh! Turns out, things have been lifted from the internet, copied, and pasted. Oops!

Understanding Why Kids May Cheat on Their Homework

At first, Mom confronts the daughter; it doesn’t go too well!

So how do we deal with our kids going what I call “below board” like this?

Well, the most important part is understanding why the child is doing it. This really is the beginning of the conversation, not the end. Because if somebody’s doing that, it means they felt that that was their best choice. And if they felt like that was their best choice, what would that mean? It would mean they couldn’t see any other pathways to getting there honorably.

Now, sometimes that’s because they feel like they can’t tell us they’re struggling. Sometimes it’s because they just don’t like working hard. (And who can blame them? It’s not always the most fun – it takes a long time to learn how amazing it feels to do something really hard!)

And sometimes when homework is hard it’s because they truly don’t have the skill yet. Like, maybe it’s really hard for them to see the letters in that order. Maybe their brain works a little bit differently.

Addressing the Root Cause of a Child’s Struggle

As you see, the lie is just the tip of the iceberg; it’s not the whole story. And when we call our kids on the lie, sometimes what happens is they feel so much shame that they just deflect it and then blame us. And then the next thing we know, now they’ve lied, AND they’re fighting, AND they’re telling us to shut up, and that we’re the worst person in the world. Uh-oh!

So I told this mom to instead start reading next to her daughter. Not in some way of like, “You have to read next to me now because I can’t trust you!” But in a way of like, bringing a nice, soft, cozy blanket, maybe setting out a lovely tray of snacks. Something really special. Maybe cuddling up next to her, reading together.

She did that for a while. Her daughter was doing a little bit better, but it was still hard.

Then I said, “Okay, well, your daughter’s already a tween, so why don’t we just have a real conversation with her and also ask her what she needs?”

So I suggested that the mom have a talk with her and say, “Look, this is not going to feel good. It’s hard to build a skill you don’t have. So I want to help you. Let’s set up little wins along the way until it starts to feel good, and you can see yourself cresting that mountain.”

What do I mean by tiny wins? Well, in this context it would probably look something like “you do this, and then we can do something special.”

The Difference Between Helpful Rewards and Bribery

Now, some might say, “Hey, wait a minute, isn’t that a bribe?” Well, that’s an interesting conversation that is a real rabbit hole in the parenting world! Some bribes are just that – bribes where a parent is essentially tricking a child into doing something the parent wants them to do. And then there are some bribes that I think of as a kind of “dopamine snack” that can be helpful for certain kinds of kids in the learning process. This is a way for the child to harness their own brain’s “reward pathway” to help them accomplish a goal they want to achieve but are currently struggling to.

Some may not see the difference there, but I do. And I think the child does, too. One way feels to the child like they’re being hoodwinked into doing something they don’t want to do, which erodes trust over the long term, and the other way feels kind and respectful, and builds relational trust.

Negotiating Homework Time

So how did it go for this mom and her daughter? Well, she recently just wrote me to say how excited she is. She had a wonderful night out with her daughter. As I had suggested, she took her out on a dinner date. And while they were chatting, she said, “Hey, how can I help? Why is it hard? Tell me.” And then she said, “Listen. This is kind of like one of those things you’re just not gonna like for a while until it gets easy. But you’re going to love having this ability. So think of it like brushing your teeth. It’s just something you gotta do to get to the other side!”

And for whatever reason, that was the sentence that landed for her kid. Every kid has a different key, so that might not be the sentence that lands for your kid. Remember, we had tried about five or six things before we landed on the one that unlocked her. But, on this occasion, that unlocked her.

And she said, “Okay, Mom, I got it. How about this? I want a really special snack every time I read. Something I don’t normally get. And I want to get to eat it in my room!”

This little negotiation is this child’s way of communicating: “You’re having me do something I don’t want to do,” so she’s trading her mom for something her mom doesn’t like her doing. Pretty smart kid!

So, there you go! That’s that family’s solution for when homework is hard. Is it perfect? Nah, it’s got some crumbs! But you know what? It’s a lot better than fighting with your kid every day about them reading when they still refuse to read, and then they’re lifting passages from the internet.

Little by little, we get there, my friends. Not always in one day, but little by little, moving in the right direction, we set our kids up for academic success, personal integrity, and we build the trust that we can help them do hard things.