Raising Resilient Kids – and Why it Matters!

A lack of resilience lies at the heart of many of the problems facing our families. Here, Abigail explains why raising resilient kids matters and what we can do about it.

At Mother Flipping Awesome, parents come to me for all sorts of reasons.

• Their three-year-old is melting down constantly, ever since the new baby. 

• Their five-year-old is still drinking from a bottle and won’t potty train.

• Their seven-year-old is refusing to go to school, because they don’t like their new teacher.

• Their twelve-year-old is constantly fighting with them. About everything.

• Their fifteen-year-old is starting to vape.

Different problems? Yes. But often at the root of each of these issues, the child is struggling with the same thing: a lack of resilience.

The three-year-old needs to learn that even though things look different, they are still loved. The five-year-old needs to learn that change doesn’t have to be so scary. The seven-year-old needs to learn that they can overcome challenges with creativity and perseverance instead of avoidance. The twelve-year-old needs to learn that they will be okay even if they don’t get what they want, and the teen needs to learn that there are more positive ways to cope. 

Why Resilience is Behind Many of the Challenges That Our Kids Experience

Perhaps you have experienced some version of this in your own family. Maybe you have a three-year-old who is refusing to eat anything other than potato chips and pasta. You’ve tried all the things recommended by the experts, including sticker charts, rewards and “absolutely no ice cream until you’ve eaten your veg, ok??”. But none of it is working because there’s a deeper issue going on here. In order to solve this problem, that three-year-old has to be willing to experience unfamiliar tastes, overcome possible sensory issues, and practice self care. You know what all those things require? RESILIENCE. 

Or maybe your 8 year-old refuses to turn off the iPad and go to his soccer practice. You’ve tried using timers, listening to his upset, and then just shouting… 😬 But it’s a no-go. That’s because, in order to truly crack this issue, that child has to know how to delay gratification, deal with disappointment, and exhibit cognitive flexibility just to get off the screen. Then to actually play the game, they have to deal with the pressure of everyone else’s expectations for the team, and maybe even some intense friendship dynamics among the players. All of those will require RESILIENCE. 

So What’s the Secret to Raising Resilient Kids?

Ah, the million-dollar question. 

Each family’s “resilience problem” has a different set of circumstances and a different solution. Sometimes it’s that we need to build social skills, build cognitive flexibility, address ADHD. Sometimes we need to give the child MORE support, sometimes LESS. Sometimes it’s the parent’s nervous system we need to rewire, so they can truly emanate a calm confidence that can then get absorbed by the child. 

Each family’s challenges are unique, like a thumbprint that looks like a messy swirl of activity, but is actually a very clear and specific blueprint. And each family has their own pattern of solutions that will spell success for them. 

CAN we Teach Our Kids Resilience?

Absolutely! Here are just a few of the stories from parents in our community:

• Sibling rivalry that was so bad it genuinely scared the mom, that has now transformed into this same boy actively wanting to give his sister hugs and kisses
• A teenager who got herself back in school and is now coming home early, before curfew, spending just a little more time with her parents
• A family who could barely drop their son off at school, whose kid now happily skips in
• A super picky eater who recently made a plate of mushrooms and hummus for her mom, and then ate some! 
• This kid who battled anxiety on a camping trip, and WON
• A child with ADHD who no longer allows that to define what’s possible for him, but instead uses his diagnosis to define HOW he gets there instead

All of these kids used to battle with their parents over these things, because they were battling with themselves and their own lack of resilience. 

Raising Resilient Kids by Supporting Parents

If you are struggling to activate this kind of resilience in your child, no matter whether they are 5 or 15, I invite you to try one of our resets. At MFA, we specialise in providing high-level, individualized support to loving, overwhelmed parents of strong willed, highly sensitive kids. We know that different parents are in different places, which is why we meet you where you are and give you what you need. Every family deserves a customized, guided journey to help you find what does work for your people.

Not sure which is right for you? Reach out and ask! You’ll be so glad you did. 💖