Kids’ feelings matter. But perhaps THIS matters even more?

In today’s blogcast, Abigail talks about how parents can validate their kids’ feelings WITHOUT forgetting other crucial factors like their family’s values and the feelings of others. 

The following is an edited transcript of this podcast episode.

Today I’m going to talk about feelings.

Now, this might not be exactly the podcast you’re expecting. Because most parenting podcasts are going to tell you to “focus on your child’s feelings!” and “make space for their big feelings!” and “validate their feelings!” and “love their feelings!” and “believe their feelings!” and “hear their feelings!”

And hey, those are all really nice things to do. But you know what? Feelings aren’t always true! They’re these temporary, volatile, ever-changing things. Why are we suddenly going to make them our God, so to speak, in charge of every decision that we make?

When Kids’ Feelings Aren’t the Only Consideration

I don’t think that it’s helpful to decide everything through the lens of our kids’ feelings.

Does that mean we should NOT listen to our kids’ feelings? And NOT care and NOT validate? No. It just means understanding the limitations of feelings as a basis for our parenting decisions. So if your child is like, “I hate the car seat! It’s killing me!” You don’t just go, “Well she doesn’t like car seats so we’re not going to buckle her in!” 

That’s because you know that there are certain feelings that you’re like, “Yeah, I’m still gonna have to do it!” And most of us have certain things like that where it’s a case of, “Hey, no matter what you’re feeling, this IS happening!”

But somehow, we forget that along the way. If it’s not something that’s life or death like the car seat, we tend to be like, “Meh, it’s too difficult! They’re making too much of a fuss so we’ll just let it go!” And then we think, “Why won’t my kid ever let me do this?” Especially with our strong-willed kids, this is something that they learn very early on. And then parents turn around and say, “Well, my kid manipulates me!” 

Your Kids Aren’t “Manipulating” You With Their Feelings; They’re Just Being Smart!

In all likelihood, your kid isn’t manipulating you; they’re reading the room! So if they make it really difficult and you relent, they read the room correctly! Is that them manipulating you, or is that them understanding that if they are incredibly strong-willed, you will relent? 

Now, I’m not suggesting to you that you enter into a war with your child, because no! Absolutely no! I’m also not suggesting that you allow your child to win by being difficult, because no! Absolutely no! That’s not good for you, and it’s not good for them, because it teaches them, “If I just get stuck in my way, I will get what I want!” And that’s not a great way to go through life. 

So, what do we do? Oh, my friends! What you do is you study with me for six months, and I will teach you all of the ins and outs of exactly how you handle kids like this—and exactly how you make sure you are really caring for their feelings, really validating their experience of life, really meeting them with your heart, making them feel safe and understood, and NOT allowing either you or them to become the victim of their temporary feelings.

Because feelings are fantastic. They matter. They’re beautiful.

But you know what else matters? Values. Standards. Working with other people who have other feelings. All of those things matter too! And it’s really important that we make sure that we raise kids who can consider all these factors, not just one aspect – but all of it. 

Learn to Work With Feelings AND Values!

If you want to learn to do this, you need an actual guidebook for how to be your best self, how to work within your family, how to show up and be the parents that you want to be. So that you’re leading, every step of the way, with love and kindness… but also LEADERSHIP. That’s important! 

So if any of this calls to you, I highly recommend that you take a moment and not just listen to the podcast every day, but go to motherflippingawesome.com, click on the contact, and reach out to me.

I will show you what it’s like to actually put this entire guidebook together for your family based on YOUR values, your standards and your life. Not mine, but yours. Because your family is going to make different choices, and well it should. And no one should tell you what you should do other than you! 

If you’re anything like the thousands of parents who’ve already done this program, you will find that it will be one of the most incredible life-changing choices you will ever make and one you will look back on with gratitude for years, shuddering at the thought of “What if I had not done that for myself? How different would it look right now?” One of the most common phrases that I hear all the time is, “I am so grateful I finally said yes! I can’t even imagine how much harder it would be to walk this path if I hadn’t done this work now.”

So wherever you are, if you have toddlers, if you have teenagers, just reach out. I’m here.