My Kids Don’t Listen To Me – Help!

Do you keep telling your kid to STOP? To stop fighting, stop complaining, stop arguing, stop whining—and it’s not working?  If you’re constantly thinking “my kids don’t listen to me!”, here’s a simple shift that could make all the difference!

The following is an edited transcript of this podcast episode.

One of the moms I work with has two boys. They like to wrestle, but one of them is much more of a rule follower and is more sensitive; the other loves to seek sensation and wants to hurl himself into his brother without stopping, even though he understands the word “Stop.”

Why Kids Don’t Listen When You Say “Stop!”

This mom has asked her younger son to stop many times, but he doesn’t listen to her. She’s tried to talk about it beforehand, set rules, and implement consequences, but nothing is helping. This is an example of how we can get stuck in these moments that just feel like, “Why is this my life?” Or we think, “What is wrong with you, my dear child? What is wrong with ME that I can’t solve this?”

If this feels familiar then take heart! Because this is one of those beautiful moments where we get to see how transformative it can be to learn to ask the right question.

As she brought this problem to our group the other day, I asked her to take me into the moment. I said, “Tell me what this child says and what does he do next?” Then I said, “Can I be you in this moment and you just be your kids for me?” So we role-played it, where she was being her kids, and I was talking to them to see what they would do next.

A Simple Question You Can Ask Your Kids

Quickly, I realized that the best way to go in would be to talk to the older child because, while the younger child is the one that needs to learn, it’s less pressure to watch someone else learn than to be taught directly. So let’s learn with the older child and allow the younger child to watch.

So I turned to the older child and said, “Hey, when I ask you to stop, or if your brother asks you to stop, what are you going to do?” He said, “I’m going to stop!”

I asked, “But what are you going to do?” 

He replied, “I will take my hands off of him, like my brother should for me.”

I said, “Right, but then what are you going to do?” 

Suddenly, I saw the mom’s eyes open wide, and she said, “Oh, I get it! I get it!” 

Instead of Saying “Stop!” Give Kids a Choice 

I said, “Yeah, what are you going to do? Are you going to read a book? Are you going to lie down in the nook in the corner? Are you going to bake something with me? What are you going to do?“

Because “Stop!” is not actually doable. “Stop” focuses on the thing we want them to stop, which just keeps that thing front of mind! Stopping is only like a millisecond. It’s not something we DO. You can’t KEEP stopping.

So I asked again, “What are you going to do?” Her eyes lit up, and she said, “I understand!”

We then had a beautiful conversation about the brain we’re building in our children. All of us can get stuck on this one concept, and her whole son’s identity was getting caught up in this idea where she felt he was a child who “couldn’t stop.” 

The older brother also believed, “He can never stop. He’s not going to stop, Mom! We always tell him to stop. He’s not going to stop!” This child and the whole family were building an identity for this kid’s failure around this idea that’s actually rather undoable in the first place.

Transforming Those Moments You Feel Stuck as a Parent  

If we simply change the conversation into “What are you going to do?” suddenly, there are so many ways to help move into that next space. That is an example of how we take that stuck feeling and transform it into liberation. 

And it’s not just liberation in the moment: We’re also setting that older child free from being pummeled by his younger brother. We’re setting the mom free from constantly worrying “my kids don’t listen to me!” We’re also setting that child free so he’s not bound by an identity he’s going to keep replaying over and over again.

When Your Kids Don’t Listen, Remember That Parenting is a Work in Progress!

Parenting is filled with mundane moments that, with small shifts in perspective and approach, can become extraordinarily special and transformative. 

By changing our questions and approaches, we can create a more positive and liberating experience for everyone involved.