How to Handle Sibling Rivalry Between Your Kids

If you have kids who don’t EVER seem to get along, you’re not alone. But you don’t have to live in the crossfire! Here are some tips for how to handle sibling rivalry so your kids can actually learn to like each other. Really! ‎ ‎ ‎‎‎

The following is an edited transcript of this podcast episode.

Today, I’m going to address a write-in question from a listener about how to handle sibling rivalry.

This mom asks, “How do I deal with it when my six-year-old son says his three-year-old sister is bothering him? And by that, I mean that her very existence is bothering him. He can’t stand to play with her or be nice to her. And I can handle it when he tells me that he hates me, but I absolutely can’t deal with it when he does it to her. What can I do? How can I stop this? What can I say to him when he does this?”

Understanding the Root Cause of Sibling Rivalry

So this is such a beautiful question, and it goes to the heart of so many of the issues that we face as parents. This ties into our “silent promise” that we talked about in episodes 10, 11 and 12 of the podcast because many of us have a vision of, “I’m going to have more than one child, and these siblings are going to be a gift to each other.”

Maybe that’s because you yourself had siblings that were a huge gift to you. Or maybe that’s because you had siblings you fought with, and you were like, “I’m going to do this better!” And now, either way, these two children not getting along breaks the promise you made to yourself all those years ago. And so it can be especially painful — on top of the fact that it’s just no fun to constantly deal with two kids who are at each other’s throats! So what’s the best way to handle sibling rivalry?

Avoid Favoritism: Stop Labeling One Child as the Aggressor

This is a delicate subject — but part of the problem here is that Mom sees one as the aggressor. So yes, I am sure that the six-year-old boy is indeed the one that seems to be aggressing all the time, but if every day we see the three-year-old as the victim and the six-year-old as the aggressor, that makes the sibling rivalry worse. The six-year-old will start to hate the three-year-old more and more and more every single day because “You’re ruining mom’s vision of me. Now I hate you even more! I used to just hate you because you stole my crayon. Now I hate you because you’re stealing my mom!“

Why It’s Important to Take Your Child’s Complaints Seriously

So right away there is something that the mom can do, which is to make sure she’s not picking favorites. To make sure that when he’s upset, there must have been some reason, even if it makes no sense. (Like literally, I’ve talked parents through situations where a child is actually saying, “She’s breathing my air!” In which case we reply with “Okay! All right. Well, let’s get you more air! Come with me!” 🤣)

So we have to take seriously whatever the child is saying, because if we try to talk them out of it, they double down. All right? So we want to lean into the solutions that they give us. “She has to go away!” “Okay. It sounds like you’re wanting more space? Let me show you all the places that have more space…”

Helping Your Kids Build Positive Experiences Together

You see, I promise you there are things that she is doing that may seem super cute and sweet to you, that are actually triggering him. And part of what’s happened now is he’s become allergic to this whole situation. And unfortunately, it’s your everyday life! So we want to tamp down the allergy by making him actually have good experiences with her. Not by being nice to her, but by making sure that actually he’s with her and it winds up being nice for HIM.

So we start signaling to his body that it’s not always a threat when she’s around. Not by telling him “It’s not a threat just because she’s here!” but by actually making sure he’s genuinely having a good experience. We then don’t try to convince him, “See, you love your sister! Everything’s fabulous!” Because he’ll double down again.

So, in order to truly handle the sibling rivalry, we have to understand that his aggression really IS coming from some sort of fear or overwhelm that her presence is bringing to him. We have to open our heart to that and then begin to ask questions of, “What is it?” And, “Why?” Start noticing! You don’t have to ask him these questions. We ask these questions of OURSELVES and really start to notice. Like, “Hmmm… It seems to be worse when they’re eating. Are meal times always a problem? Or are there times it’s okay? What is the difference?” Start gathering the data!

How to Handle Sibling Rivalry by Setting Your Kids Up for Success Together

The other thing we need to do when handling sibling rivalry is we need to do a lot of work BEFORE they’re going to be alone in a play space. So before I walk out of the room to go cook breakfast, I need to make sure everybody’s truly set up for success. I can’t keep operating like, “You guys should be able to get along, and if you don’t, it’s a failure!” I need to start operating like, “You guys AREN’T getting along right now. How can I set you up for success so that you can?”

This means I’m not going to leave the room until I know everybody’s good for at least five minutes. And maybe I’m actually going to take somebody WITH me when I go to the kitchen. Because, right now, it’s not the best idea to leave you both in a room alone. “So who wants to cook breakfast with me? You both want to cook breakfast? Awesome. Who’s cutting the strawberries? Who’s cutting the blueberries? You both want to cut them? Awesome!” (Because, yes, I know blueberries don’t really need to be cut, but now we’ve got two kids and need two jobs, so we cut the blueberries, LOL.)

We don’t have to fight. We don’t have to force them to share. Because every time you do that, you’re actually working backward. So lean into the problem. Think that the problem is there for a reason. Learn about it. See each of them with a good and pure heart, and you will be many steps ahead.

A Long-Term Solution for Handling Sibling Rivalry:

The tips in this episode won’t solve the problem entirely, because sibling rivalry is tough, but hopefully they help you imagine some positive next steps you could take. Now, if I were working with you every week, I’d say that in about two solid months, we could almost fully turn this around for your family. If you want to learn more about what that would look like, please make a time to meet with me right here if your kids are aged 2-12, or HERE if your kids are teenagers.

Sending my best. It’s no fun. Sibling rivalry is what brought me to my knees in the early years, and truly, I remember some really hard moments. But I want you to know IT CAN CHANGE. Check out this article on parenting success stories to inspire you with what is possible for your family too. 💖